WORKING YOUR WAY
THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS (Part III)
As the mourner enters
the third stage of the grieving process known as BARGAINING, there is a major
adjustment in what s/he is now thinking and feeling.
Dr. Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross uses an insightful illustration to paint a picture of this
emotional transition:
“If we have been
unable to face the sad facts in the first period and have been angry at people
and God in the second phase, maybe we can succeed in entering into some sort of
an AGREEMENT that might
change things. Typically, it goes something like this: If God has decided to take
me or my loved one and did not respond to my angry pleas, HE MAY BE MORE FAVORABLE IF I ASK MORE NICELY.
We parents are familiar with this reaction when we observe our children first
demanding, then subsequently asking for a favor. They may not accept
their parents ‘NO’ when they want to spend the night at a friend’s house.
They may be angry and stamp their feet. They may lock themselves in their
bedroom and temporarily express their anger by rejecting us. But they also
have second thoughts. They may consider another approach. They will
come out eventually, volunteer to do some tasks around the house, which
normally we would not succeed in getting them to do, and then tell us, ‘IF I AM VERY GOOD all week and
wash the dishes every evening, THEN will you let me go?’ They feel sure
that there is a chance that we could accept their bargain and they will get
what was previously denied.” [“On Death and Dying” – page 94]
MOUIRNERS (who
could be either terminally ill patients or people who have lost loved ones) often
act in similar fashion. Following the initial phases of DENIAL and ANGER,
there is a typical tendency to start BARGAINING with God. The underlying
thought process is that GOD will somehow better my situation if I enter into a
solemn agreement to DO or BE that which I have not done or been heretofore.
People of faith,
and/or those who have been exposed to faith earlier in their lives, are
especially prone to try to STRIKE A
BARGAIN WITH GOD after we have been angry at Him for ‘allowing’ us
to experience such major losses. We, who believe we have covenant
relationships with Him, somehow feel that our Creator is indebted to honor our
past fidelity and service with Hezekiah-like blessings. (II Kings 20:1-6) Whether
our heart’s desire is to extend our own lives (in the case of terminal illness)
or to get on with our lives with some semblance of peace (following the death
of a loved one), we intuitively feel that God will be more responsive to our
petitions IF WE OFFER MUTUAL
BENEFIT TO HIM.
However, this is a
distorted representation of the nature and character of God.
Jesus Christ
admonished us, “Do not fear…for IT IS YOUR
FATHER’S GOOD PLEASURE to give you the kingdom.” (Luke 12:32) Exactly
what does that mean? The Apostle Peter suggests that the unchanging and
unfailing love of God and “His divine power has [ALREADY] given to us ALL THINGS that pertain to life and
godliness, through the knowledge of Him.” (II Peter 1:3) Therefore, there
is no need to embrace fear, anxiety, or stress; and, certainly there is no need
to bargain with GOD, who is the personification of love and The One who loves
us “with an everlasting love.” (I John 4:8 and Jeremiah 31:3) In the words
of the Apostle James, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,
and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is NO VARIATION or
shadow of turning.” (James 1:17)
In other
words, GOD NEVER CHANGES. GOD
NEVER FAILS. This is irrefutable truth, no matter what we are
facing or feeling. WHEN WE
CANNOT TRACE HIS HAND, WE MUST TRUST HIS PLAN.
Stay tuned…more to
come in our next
devotional.
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